Life in the present tense

This being my first blog I thought I should start at the present rather than the beginning , truth be told I never remember the beginning too well and It comes back to me in flashes. At the present , I am twenty two and currently trying to piece my life back together living with my parents. At the moment there are a good many things I used to be : I used to be someone's fiancée , I used to live Independently, I used to be a student , an actor , a writer, a creator, a performance artist. Alately I'm having problems finding my creativity , which would mean I am not a writer or a performance artist. And In trying to follow desperately what I want to be , a teacher , I have turned down three acting jobs in as many months making me not an actor. At present I'm a clothing retail assistant and a nothing . I want to be alot of things , It's simply figuring out how I get from here to there .

My current venture Is perusing employment at American summer camp . (The reason why i was barmy enough to turn down three jobs) There are plenty of reasons I need to do it. I need to gain more experience so teaching degree's won't use my age against me like they did for the past two years, I also really , really need physical removal from my present , so I can stop dwelling on the past and make clear decisions about the future. I'm also hoping that being a surrogate mother to several eight year olds for two months quells the broodiness and the general feeling of failure, as everyone around me pairs up and gets busy producing off spring.

I'm not very exciting at the present. I go to work I come back I watch bones and criminal minds , read books, make many attempts to write absolute pants , shop simply to fill the boredom ignoring the fact I neither have anywhere or anyone to show my wonderful clothing , shoes and make up off to. I stay up late and I talk to people all over the world. This is my present , this is England , I'm not the only 22 year old that exists under the same cloud. I daren't consider my future more than one week at a time . That is the rule I have deployed , if I think past the week I panic . I have a week left to get hired at camp . I don't want to panic about what happens if I don't get placed.

I believe that there is a certain amount of luck involved in the existence people lead . Some people are charmed some people are not . Some fluctuate . I don't know where I sit with that . I would consider that I have worked very hard and done the best I can by everyone that has been involved in my life and had a considerable amount of bad luck. I don't know whether that will change or not , I don't have a crystal ball. Crystal balls would stop people living . If I could see the future I would have not have fallen so deeply in love and been so content despite my bad luck because I would know that he would break my heart. I would have pursued an education in something that lead to a lucrative employment instead of an education where I expanded my mind and oozed creativity and have been so desperately in love with the people I know now. If I had a crystal ball I would not live simply for fear of the worst.

I'm glad I know the people I know . They are a small boutique couture collection of the most intelligent , creative and beautiful people. The proverb goes that your friends are a reflection of who you are . I don't think I could ever be so amazing as they are. They are so individually amazing , complex and brilliant and creative they rock my world. I am so lucky to have had the education I received , not only because I had access to the best teachers in the field all well respected practitioners in their own right but because I was so enveloped in creativity it stimulated my own. In ways I could never have achieved on my own.

I would think that , my experiences and my friends( including the abysmal deceitful ones everyone has the displeasure of meeting) are a large part of who I am . I would say at the present , their undeserved perception of me is what has carried me through the worst bits because of them I know a few things. I know that what happened to me was not my fault. I know that I was not stupid to love so intensely and loyally. I know that I will continue to trust even when my trust was sorely miss placed and the most important ,I know that I still get up everyday and I still hope that my luck will change . That I still plan for it to change for me I'm just unsure of how long it will take. :)