Love letters

I love words , or should I say I love important combinations of words that I can believe . I'm also now a super bullshit spotter , mainly because even if you tell me the truth I'll assume you are trying to deceive me. Not a healthy or romantic way to be , bu then I'm not healthy and I can never afford to be romantic. Romanticism is a nice word , it conjures cherubs , weddings, roses, silk , lace . In all seriousness , who can afford the emotional expense In this day and age. I want to tell you my romantic notions , they aren't quite the same as every one else but then I'm sure you've noticed by now my quirks.

What warms my heart In the darkest moments are the words. Words maybe not remembered as of much importance to the speaker that I wrapped around my heart and carried with me secretively. Without a word I took the gift you didn't know you had given. There are some beautiful sentences bound with in me that In my mind put Keats to shame.

There's words from every paragraph in my life but I'll tell you the recent ones . The American , he opens his mouth I watch his lip I watch him struggle with what he's about to say and the next beautiful sentences start with ' There's this cute English girl...'

The next are substitutes for words for speakers too young to articulate , my babies and what makes me miss them so badly . Jordan's slow deliberate smile when I finally managed to produce something that pleased him that day his slow smile and his delighted 'ooooooh ooooh oooooh' . His learning how kisses work enough to give me one.

Elliot , eternal keeper of my heart his grin his vibrancy and sheer adoration and possessiveness of Carly Nanny . His pats of reassurance before he runs off to play , his squeezes as hard as he is able to squeeze because I know what he says is ' I love you so much I want to smush you' ' I love you so much it makes me not know what to do with the well of emotion in my chest , because I'm only 18 months old' Then his laugh because ' you re so funny and .... weird ... why are you doing that? NO don't stop you loon ! You're insane but I love you'

A baby's love for their care giver you soon realise is such a strong unadulterated love . They love you because you sing them to sleep cradled against your chest . They love you because you fixed the toy , kissed their scraped knee , built the best fort ,made their favourite lunch . They love you because of your ability to love and care for them. You soon realise that men are never going to be able to love you on the level a child does. Maybe that is the driving maternal force in women because ultimately women are creatures that exist solely to nurture they survive on love. It's hard wired into us that that is how we run.

At the moment I'm running on reserves fumes that are so deep in me they didn't burn as fast as an engagement or flattery or need or want of me. They are fuels I need constantly . To reassure me that I am Indeed worth loving . I set myself up so I have been proven right , the last two important men in my life acted like I didn't deserve to be loved . They reconfirmed what I suspected all along , that I'm not worth it. Maybe I knew that subconsciously on entering the relationships .I'm past analysing my actions because by now I know that they are often irrational and even I cant fathom the logic I whole heatedly believe . I know I've given up trying to be loved , I'll never run myself to nothing for a man ever again . My brand of love used to be complete adoration , devotion and caring and all It ever got me was taken for granted and used.

I believe that when you love completely , whole heartedly , should the relationship end then that person still takes that piece of you ,you devoted to them. A lucky person loves once and for a long time . Me and my lack of luck , we got to walk the planet with two gaping wholes in us at just twenty two. I know I made a major fail somewhere.

It balances, the words I keep with me are in slight negative against the holes but they keep me here and going . When I remember the last meaningful words you said to me I'll always remember some of the first meaningful words you said to me. I'll always be 'this cute English girl.....' Whether you remember me or not.