Sooo Christmas was weird , it was the first year that to me , It didn't seem any different to any other day , everything felt like too much fuss and palaver. I spent a lot of time drunk and staring at the Christmas tree trying to figure out where I think I'm going with life and in equal turns trying to reason why I bother. My parents are urging me to pursue a career , my friends are urging me to date. I'm personally still convinced that if I had the right shoulder to cry on i wouldn't need either.
Dating is harsh and If I'm honest , I have no idea how to date . I , until march had slept with a total of three people my whole life and had been in a serious relationship for five years. Dating is fucking scary and I'm abysmal at communicating myself to men. Apparently I know how to say just the wrong thing and I always fail at being the hottest contender. I haven't even got actually to even a first date since the start of November when I promised everyone I would and there has been so many men I've tortured myself with attempting to talk to. I really honestly don't know what to do with myself around men , they sort of make me spaz out. I've spoken to men locally, who proved way too immature and none too serious about getting together , randomers that know me through a friend of a friend that are quite frankly weird and not in a good way. Men that are old and married tend to bombard me with insincere shit whilst their wives aren't watching.The best offer I've had in months is a single (unusually , I know) none committal shag when he gets around to it and hey, at least he's honest. Where the fuck , is mister right ?
I really don't trust men , add it to the fact I get massive waves of paranoia I'm always going to assume they re being false , or are lying or are saying one thing and meaning something else .
Men come to chat to me in bars ? Ultimate freak out , say something bitchy and witty at their expense and run away , flirt with me in any other situation I automatically assume you re doing it for a bet and are secretly laughing your arse off at the clumsy , short , odd looking girl that's a bit chunkier than she needs to be. maybe that's where the awkward comes from and the anxiety that bubbles in my stomach and the feeling of total dread as I try desperately to make a joke that excuses myself before you can make a joke at my expense.
But I know I'm never going to be the girl that every bloke wants to be with generally she comes in two guises . Shes either six foot tall , stick thin and preppy and trying for saint hood or shes a complete slut makes no bones about the fact in fact , she self publicises. She's covered in tattoos takes her clothes off for camera's, has razor sharp wit , is awesome at toilet humour and fancies herself way more than you ever could. I'm not those girls . I look in the mirror and I'm never happy about what I see , I'm scared tattoos would upset my parents , I fall over my own feet , wear adult onsies and always say the wrong thing. Apparently I drink too much and it's not attractive that everything I need I can obtain by myself. I'm blunt and matter of fact, my bum wobbles , my hair is unruly and I talk cry and scream in my sleep.
not all of the time I make perfect sense , I never think about things logically , I get hurt easily and I'll probably try to hurt you back. I wear reading glasses and my underwear never matches. I leave my clothes on the floor when I get into bed. I'm crap at flirting and the thought of ever getting naked with anyone ever again makes my blood pressure go funny. I read Shakespeare for fun and I like crappy zombie films , I'm sorry but i actually LIKE nickle back. I'm likely to make you go clothes shopping and I like to cuddle, I'm gooey about kids and I make no lies about wanting to get married and have kids.
I'm not sexy , I'm not provocative in all the right ways , I'm over sensitive and I get really really scared over things that might seem stupid to other people. I spend a lot of time being what people want me to be or , what I think people want me to be or someone who's not me so people cant get in and see that I'm hurt.
I'm just me , I'm nothing special but at least I'm honest .Still want to date me ? Are you mister right ?
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