Five losers walk into a bar .......

Today I read Why Is Daddy crying's blog , I like to read it , it's funny , it's real , it's unapologetic and it's a reminder that not all men are lying scum who are to be kept at arms length and feared. That's not what I'm writing about , whilst reading his blog I glanced at the photo's in his side bar and his photo jogged my memory , for some reason he reminds me of a man I met on one of the weirdest and surreal and also healing nights of my life.....

I was in Chicago , IL it was the fifth week of me back packing across America on my own . I had some weird arsed man flu and I felt really fucking sorry for myself. I spent most of that week In my hostel bed and I'm sure the cleaners thought they were ignoring a corpse. The main issue was , I was heart broken , I'd given up and I didn't really care if I went to rot. After another pleading skype conversation with my mother urging me to go out , eat and function like a normal human being I gave in and went out. Earlier that day I went to the Shed aquarium and spent five hours watching the beluga whales , had the aquarium staff eye me like I was going to throw my self in and attempted to have a jovial text conversation with cmfcknw or as I rather call him Corey cuz that's his name.

I was shattered plodding along , it was probably another four miles back to the hostel and as I had found walking ridiculous amount of mileage to be a good aid to weight loss I walked almost anywhere I could. On the way back to the hostel I made a last minute decision to actually eat that day and called in to a Chicago deep dish pizza place that's apparently famous , I can't even remember the name . And that's when It got fucking weird.

I took a seat at the bar after the waitress asking me if I was expecting anyone and then suggesting I not take up a booth just for one desperately sad bitch ( I'm sure she said it nicer but that's what I heard) I ordered a double jack ( thus making me look like an alchy) and settled into the waiter talking my ear of as soon as he heard that I was English , he asked me what I did and then talked my ear off about plays and literature ( another frustrated actor) and I found a medical student to talk to about the finer points of pizza and American beers. After the student left an influx of single parties joined the bar having been directed there by the bitch of a waitress.

There was a sales man in his late forties , two women in expensive suits who I later learned to be nurses and a business man looking world worn and weary In a very crumpled suit. We all smiled politely and carried on eating . After ten minutes one of the nurses declares in a very stereotypical Afro American way that ' y'all look intrestin ' and I'm DONE with this silence'

she asks us all where we are from , none of us are from Chicago and thus decides we will use the time as therapy , be completely honest and not regret it as we will never see each other again. ( The men look at her like shes crazy) I look scared, I'm English we don't do strangers . She asks us where we are from ,our marital status and our jobs . The next thing she does is proceed to tell us about her , how she is recently divorced but still lives with her ex husband and has two grown up children , is very successful and having issues in her new relationship that nobody knows about because no one knows about it and she obviously can't take the person home . She then declares that her lover is the woman next to her and in the next breath insists she is not a gay woman. The sales man tells a mundane tale how he married someone who didn't love him lived in misery , divorced , remarried had copious amounts of children and is now ridiculously happy , just fifteen years behind schedule .

The business man whips out his wallet proudly displays his two adorable all American children , tells us how he married his high school sweetheart , owns his own business is a pretty big deal and how everyday he is thankful because he nearly lost his wife in pregnancy complications and one of his children was still born. My stomach turns , I cant believe the loss and the strength and the complication sat at the table around me. They all look at me , it's my turn . How can I make myself sound less pathetic ? Especially when I have a massive compulsion to always be honest? I told them . How I was currently running away from my life , from how my ex fiance lied , stole from me and cheated on me. How I had fallen in love with someone who would never love me back the way I needed him to. How I had no idea what I wanted from my life anymore , how I was terrified 'the one' would never happen to me , how desperately I wanted the happy ever after of a loving husband and children. How broke I was beyond piecing myself back together , how I wanted to run away forever . How desperately i wanted to be someone else It felt like I was turning myself inside out to get away from myself. And THEY looked at ME with pity .

The business man declares he cant understand how that could happen to someone so pretty . The sales man empathises that he knows how that feels , the nurse declares ' child , you a baby ! How'd you get so grown?' The rest of that evening I laughed and drank doubles ( without judgement) helped problem solve other peoples lives , felt warm towards people comfortably for the first time since leaving my babies. That night my ex fiance didn't matter , and the American was numbed and I felt like maybe I could do it. The business man paid every ones tab , we all hugged and then we went our separate ways . I went to bed smiling that night .I often think of that night , I smile when I think of the business man finally getting home to his kids , the sales man smiling at someone who loves him as much as he loves her and I pray the nurse came out to her grown up boys and I wonder If they ever wonder what on earth happened to the sad English girl .