Well I guess you're aware of the fact that I got left behind again . He didn't love me and actually just hated who I was as a person apparently . He could have just got in line behind myself. I guess I don't want to talk about the situation anymore. I guess it just helped me realize quite a few things in the process . You can't escape being lonely , yup I could share my body with him or with any other randomer but It's still going to get me last thing at night. I can't change who I am , I wish I could because it would be a hell of a lot easier to be someone else . Unfortunately i can only get my head around being me . Who apparently Is a crazy , mean bitch . Maybe if people looked past the crazy harder and decided I was worth the effort they'd see how fucking hard I try.
I've never done less than a hundred percent by every guy I have been with. I've been the model girlfriend and put up with their shit and neglected mine. Mainly because If I'm focused on someone else then I'm distracted from the mess inside my head and more recently my heart.
My heart cheated on me . It should have been the reason I got dumped other than being crazy and mean. Because before , where I was able to give a hundred percent I wasn't able to commit myself fully to him this last time . Not because there was anything wrong with him . I couldn't believe my luck when someone as smart and as handsome and as kind as the boy decided I was worth the effort. I was so fucking happy whilst I was with him and I lived everyday (rightly) fearing he'd decide I was too much hassle. I felt guilty from at least two months in because I felt a void in the feelings I should have because I knew and kept denying that the void was a missing piece of me that might forever belong to someone else. I guess I'll never get over the American . I really did my best by the boy I worked hard on not keeping tabs on the American , pretending he existed I even wrote him and told him not to contact me in anyway shape or form so I could work on getting that part back. And yet it remained blank , a void , a guilty secret I was trying desperately tried to path over in the hope that the boy would regain the last bit of unheld ground. I knew I felt very deeply for him but he just wasn't him. I worry alot I worry that there is 'A One' And the American was it and then I flip it and worry that If 'The one' still is out there that by the time we meet I'll have had so many chunks torn out of me there will be nothing left to give him. I placate myself in the mean time telling myself that there is no 'one' just chances , that for me go missed and sometimes finally , Theres no such thing as any kind of 'one' and I stupidly did not treat men with enough contempt before. I surely believe it's my own stupidity that has got me so hurt so many times. It's alot to untangle in my head amongst the voice of my depressive self and the reality of what is actually happening now stuck in there too.
What if for instance that my theory of missed chances is right ? What if My old ex was just something I took too far ? That we should have dated for a few years and called it a day instead of getting engaged and making me miserable for years after that? What if the American was simply not my 'one' because of a ten year time lapse in which he never knew that I existed led a life and got married before I collided into him? What if the boy wasn't the one because we just were ignoring the fact we were completely incompatible ? And really just not suited to being together?
What is this constant obsession with my search for the one ? I'm not a fluffy cutesy girl who is waiting naively to put my virginity on the line with Mr right . I'm into Mr Right Now's , I have and do enjoy sharing myself with someone who I do not wish to keep In anyway shape or form. So why do I keep coming across men I can picture as the father of my children ? And stupidly keep working on relationships that suck and dont go anywhere when I could be having fun and not getting hurt ?
At the moment the American ensures for the immediate future I will hump and dump men and keep them at arms length which is fun but again leaves me just as lonely as I was single. I loved him harder than anyone , we challenged each other to our very limits and survived it time and time again. I had met my match in him anything I could do he could do ten times better. We made each other better , bigger and I felt how strong he felt for me I realed because I never expected anyone to except for me to be capable of feeling that strong. He was passionate and inspiring my cheerleader and my worst enemy rolled into one and he made me feel like there was no other greater force than me. How do you go about reclaiming that piece of yourself ? Or is possesion nine tenths of the law ? does he get keeps on it ? And If that is the case do I bother finding this elusive 'one' because already , I'm not a complete set. Is this my fault for opening up my heart too many times already ? I have no idea what the bloody answers are but there are too fucking many questions.
No comments:
Post a Comment