Oh Ballz !

See this is why I don't tweet or blog much in the summers , I hang with two little people under the age of six all day everyday . I cannot hold an adult conversation , I'm fascinated by the constancy and frequency of poop and I can hold my own in a hypothetical debate about who wins : Iron man Vs. Superman .I'm queen of the trampoline ,I'm the go to gal for kisses on scraped knees and I can finger paint a turkey in under three minutes. Essentially I'm a stay at home mum . Or rather a rent-o- mum. I have no children of my own but get paid to look after a very sweet , smart (dangerously so) and adorable six and two year old but boy some times do they know how to push my buttons. For Instance , this morning:

Scene set: Returning from arts and crafts with my six year old , swinging a bedazzled iron man toy and my two year old that has already ingested over the recommended daily intake for Crayola and paint. Today was the 'Day of awesomeness' It means the adults get Dunkin' Donuts coffee and donut balls for breakfast ( I do not however because I am Gluten intolerant , I'm sure a crucial decider in whether you choose to follow me ) *see earlier tweets . My two year olds dad gave him a donut ball this morning and of course he has developed a taste for those sticky bite sized little treats. The only problem is , that these donuts are a limited supply thing and are practically inhaled by staff in under a minute.

My two year old ( smacking lips) : Niiiiiiice donuts . Niiiiiiiice donuts

H e picks the rest of the caster sugar from his t shirt amongst the second course of glue and glitter sprinkles.

My littlest: Nannypoopoo? ( yes apparently that is what I was christened) I has anoser (another) Niiiiiiiice ( yes we have established that) DONUTS.

Me : Chicken I think they are all gone . We'll find you some fruit.

My littlest : Nanna I haz teh donuts !! I likesd teh donuts ( yes He does a rapturous rendition of a lol cat)me likest the donuts I wants the donuts!! I haz donuts now pleeeese ?

And so it went on , me fruitlessly explaining that there probably wasn't any left and unsuccessfully trying distraction techniques . Then he decided to mean business.

My Two year old : I WANTS DONUTS NANNY ! I likes tem , gives tem to meeeeeeeeeee!

I try , failing miserably to barter a 'froot' roll instead. FAIL.

My two year old : I WANTTTTTSSSSS DA DONUTS . I HAZ EEEEEET I HAZ EEEEEETTTTTT!!!! GIIIIVE IT TOOOOO ME !!!!

And he brought out the big guns . The convulsion tantrum , right there in the middle of the walk way where he was gunna bang his head . Normally I wouldn't be too fussed, me and his parents usually ride them out and let him get on with it as long as it's a soft spot. Nope , no such luck . Tarmac. Forty Fucking minutes this kid owned me . He wailed and kicked and screamed and protested and shoved . Eventually after maybe fourteen minutes I resolved to be his bitch and find him another damn donut ball. I walked the three mile around camp with my screaming toddler tucked under my arm like a football to stop him hurting himself trailing his less than impressed big brother behind me in search of a donut ball. I interrupted meetings , received death glares rummaged in the most obscure of places until forty minutes later I was able to crash yet another important meeting with said screaming toddler and procure two of the last three donut balls in existence. I present him with gooey baked treat. He just stops.

The river of snot is snorted back up for later use . The tear faucet is turned off , His face returns to its normal colour and he beams at me sweetly

" I haz goldfish now" He tells me.

Marvelous, owned by a two year old . I guess the moral of the story is don't tut and scowl at those parents in the store , in the restaurant , in the cinema , at the pool with the wailing child . Not unless you conquered a two year old determined to make you his bitch.