pile of shite but truth all the same

So , I have been in a weird mood all day maybe it's because today I truly found myself back at the beginning but with a million different changes , changes that when I'm wondering around in the dark at camp seem too good not to be some kind of mental break I have imagined. Last night I bathed my boys , I listened to my eldest (six) discuss consumerism in context to the adult, the child and Ben 10 I put my youngest to bed and enjoyed his joy that we had been reunited again. ( No I don't have children ,I'm a Nanny). This morning I was greeted by my children's mother informing me that my baby asked for me as soon as he woke up at 5am and had him hang off me and encase me in cuddles and kisses all day as if he didn't hold tight enough I may disappear in a poof of smoke. But later , I couldn't get a hold of the boy. I've tried to talk to him everyday without fail so far and today we just seemed to miss each other. But when I let a day go by I get scared that I must have made him up that I must have imagined him because he is far too good to be true. Sat with my kids it's easy to believe that not a single minute has ticked by since last year and so much has happened.

Here's what I know is different and things I have learned :

DON'T ever take the fall as somebodies muse

Only love if you are loved in return

Chocolate always tastes better molten and licked off your partners body

If it feels too good , let it , Don't fight and run away.

Drink in your partners face when they sleep.

If you lose grip hold them even closer

Trust everyone on a clean slate not on the slate of others

If someone wants to look after you , let them and enjoy it

Don't let people who don't deserve your thought stay under your skin let them go.

Try to be less of a social retard.

Smile and you might eventually smile because you want to

Believe the boy most of the time he is right

Let him make you feel safe

Don't have little mental breaks and wig out that because geographically you are in the same place as last year even though your life is not.

I miss my Boy thus follows the list :

I miss him resting his head on my chest last thing at night and dozing for nano seconds during the film we are supposed to be watching, I know this because I don't watch the film either , I watch him.

I miss being dragged to starbucks for the fifth time that weekend.

I miss him making me take a bath and washing my hair for me because I'm ill even if I don't want to because I take showers.

I miss being brought breakfast in bed.

I miss being kissed and nuzzled in the middle of the night when he thinks I'm asleep.

I miss random things he leaves me to find up on his laptop screen and the picture messages he sends me at work.

I miss him telling me with a very serious face that gifted and I are mutually exclusive

I miss our little weekend adventures.

And for once In my life I find I have something to be rushing on home for